One of the most common reasons for distress in longer term relationships is partners having different sexual desires from one another and different expectations about the quality and quantity of sex they should be having. Firstly – it is really important to be aware that there is no ‘normal’ in this area. Some couples do not have sex at all, some have sex several times a day or week – and these patterns can change over time. The most recent National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal 3) put the average at three times per month[1]. What matters is whether the sex you are having feels right for you and your partner. However, Natsal also showed that around 25% of people in a relationship do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. Problems can arise when there is a big gap between what one person wants, sexually, and what their partner wants.

It is common for couples to have more sexual contact at the beginning of a new relationship and for this to reduce over time. Some of the reasons for this reduction can be related to initial excitement, attraction and passion developing into deeper feelings of love and connection as partners become more familiar with each other. But it can also be that the practical challenges of life, work, health, families and other pressures leave couples with less erotic energy for each other than they may have had in the past.

Partners may also have different ‘set points’ in terms of what their baseline desire for sexual intimacy looks like. This can manifest as one partner seeking or initiating sexual contact with their partner more frequently than the other. If that feeling is not reciprocated in the moment then it can lead to rejection or resentment – which can build up over time if not discussed openly.

If one partner feels like their desire for sex has declined and they don’t understand why then it is usually a good idea to see their GP for a general health check. Hormone levels and other medical conditions can sometimes affect desire and libido. However, it can also be helpful for each person to think about what their ‘Conditions for Good Sex’ are and how they can create the optimal conditions to support and improve their sexual life.

Dr Karen Gurney has done some excellent work on this in her book ‘Mind the Gap’ and has made a worksheet available to help with discussion, called ‘Understanding your conditions for good sex exercise’: https://thehavelockclinic.com/professional-resources/

There are 3 critical elements to think about: Physical Touch (where and how do you enjoy being touched); Psychological Arousal (what are the thoughts and feelings that turn you on); and Being in the Moment (how able are you to relax into your body and sensation rather than thinking about work or other things). Working through these can help you understand yourself and your partner better including whether and when each of you experiences spontaneous desire or responsive desire and how to work with those differences.

Creating space for intimacy – whether it leads to intercourse or not – and cultivating safe and curious communication with your partner can lead to huge improvements in sexual satisfaction and happiness in general.

If this feels like a difficult topic to think about for yourself or to discuss with your partner, then psychosexual and relationship therapy can help you to work through these issues in a non-judgemental and supportive way and negotiate a sexual life that works for you.

Photo by Vadim Sadovski on Unsplash

[1] https://www.natsal.ac.uk/outputs/infographics/